the grey between black and white

On Ambition

2010-03-28T21:10:00.002-04:00

Everyday, we ask for too much, expect too much, set goals that are way out of reach. I have been fighting myself from day one, and it did, at one point make me miserable and pull me into an all time low. I am now making peace with myself; finally understanding that an average person simply can't do the extraordinary. I have always been ambitious, testing waters, following the path less traveled. But, who am I to break ground if I don't understand the fundamentals?

I had big plans, you know, the kind of plans that we make as children. Be an astronaut, walk on the ocean floor, become a leading genetic brain, wield the power of the press like Christiane Amanpour...the list goes on.

Now, I realize that I am the epitome of average in every possible way you can twist and turn its meaning. Average is settling, I don't need to be told that twice. But ambitious achievements for the average is simply unattainable. Let me clarify: I don't mean that average people will never do amazing things, but the chance of actually being amazing is significantly smaller.

I am not giving up on those ridiculous dreams, per se, but I am going to make them more realistic, thus more achievable. Average people can be good at something, they just need to find out what they are good at.

Ambition...is not for the faint-hearted.

corruption's destruction.

2010-01-15T01:13:00.002-05:00

Haiti. Maybe it is too early to pass judgment, but where is the Haitian government? Why is the little to no mention of the government taking action? Countries all over the world are helping, namely through monetary contributions, but also by providing supplies, humanitarian aid and other valuable resources. The only mention of anything resembling the government in the news today was the Haitian Ambassador to the U.S.

No doubt, Haiti is corrupt, and unbelievably poor. But who would have thought that, amidst a national crisis, the government would continue to ignore the call for help from their people? Even Turkey, when devastated by a 7.6 magnitude earthquake, had some resemblance of government action. Or China, when the school building collapsed and killed children, the government attempted to fix things by enforcing building codes. And then, we have the United States' response to Hurricane Katrina. Incompetence of the administration aside, the U.S. had the right idea...or something like it, but the wrong execution. Point is, the difference between a highly corrupt country and a not-so corrupt country is vast.

Haiti is like a cotton ball that has been shredded and crumpled back together. Links that held institutions in place were taken apart, and bought and sold for power. Layer upon layer of corruption has led to a country that is having a very hard time sustaining itself. Now, after the country has been physically torn apart by a natural disaster, where is the government?

the way it works.

2009-11-18T23:50:00.002-05:00

When you fall, you get back up. That's just the way it is. You never intentionally stay down. If you are hurt, there will be someone down the road to help you as long as you are willing to accept what's offered. If you are not ready to get up, someone will sit with you. If you are being kept down, then get mad and fight it. And when you are ready, you'll brush the dirt off your hands, take a deep breath, and stand. One step, two step, and in time you'll look back at where you fell. An impression of the past, but not a burden.

That's how it works.

one for the guys.

2009-04-06T01:21:00.002-04:00

After careful consideration... I've decided that the male population may deserve more credit than we (the females) often give them. For starters, we call them obtuse, oblivious, inconsiderate, stupid, annoying, lazy, useless, and about half a million other things. I don't think that we are completely wrong in our judgment, but no doubt, we are too critical and harsh.

I suppose the only way to write this critically without speaking for all women would be to write from my perspective. I think the main difference between men and women is the attitude with which we judge things. From what I've observed, guys tend to take things in stride, while I know I really do not. I analyze things as they are individually, and not overall. For example, Kevin gave up a night of gaming in favor of cuddling and watching movies. As cheesy as I may sound, I was thrilled, internally going "awwww" at the fact that someone would give up their fun time to spend with me. And then on another day, he spends a measly 30 minutes chilling and playing some killing game, and I go bahhhh. <--- is very unreasonable. Granted, I wasn't too bothered by it, but there was a brief feeling of frustration. I think somewhere in that time, I rationalized that his games are like my books. I read, but that is a one person deal, and so he would be put on the back burner.

Later on, when I was on my way back to Boston, I sat on the bus thinking about the weekend. I realized how much he did for me - getting up early, planning dinner, taking me out, putting my interests first, etc. - and that overall, the whole weekend was for us, not him. In a whole weekend, he took 30 minutes and I had a twitchy eye moment. So yes, I think that I am unreasonable.

I am writing this to be fair to the guys. They deserve lots and lots of props for the things they do right. Yet, most of the time, girls only notice the bad because it intrudes on their fairytale ending (I am no longer writing from just my perspective seeing as how I don't believe in fairytales). Guys have to deal with moody women with perfectionist expectations of everything.

Reverting back to myself, I am quick and timely, while Kevin is very laid-back. I know this one applies to more than just me for a fact because my roommate and I talked about how her boyfriend responds with ,"I don't know," to everything. For the most part, they do get things done, but not in the timely fashion that we expect them to, since they often cut it too close for comfort.

Anyways, my point is that these men that we grow to love (sometimes), have redeeming qualities - caring, intuitive, smart, sneaky (the good way), cheesy (the good way), loving, considerate, proactive - and should be recognized for it once in a while. Of course both their good and bad qualities are present. And although I don't think I say it enough, I think they exemplify a significantly greater amount of those good qualities than the bad. But the bad are the only ones mentioned in our effort to make guys better. Besides, patting them on the back for what they do right everytime would be overkill. They're already cocky creatures as it is. :)

Sunggle bear. Cuddle bug.

Retrospectively.

2009-03-29T23:19:00.002-04:00

Five years ago, or even two, I don't think I would've been able to hold a straight face and chat about our lives so casually. Granted, there are reservations on what we speak about, but its not longer, "ewww gross!!" as a response to when talk about boys (although I don't think that was ever the case), or "omgomgomg like omg omg!!" to some outrageous thing someone says (once again, this is an exaggeration). In our old age, it seems we just kind of have that "sigh...again?" kind of reaction to a lot of things.

That was really broad, but details would give too much about the people away. So I'll just go off on a tangent about sex. I never got the sex talk from my parents, thank god. But I was never not told about the birds and the bees. Point is, I was raised very much by my friends, it really is kind of funny now that I think about it. In this sense, six or seven years ago, it was a forbidden topic. Everything was kept hush hush, and when something slipped out, there were giggles and whispers even the most oblivous person would notice. Now, its just "sex talks" over coffee or lunch or dinner. Strangely though, I am still the observer, I don't talk much about myself unless necessary, but in this case, what happens in the bedroom stays there.

Tangent again. Along with this openness in discussing such personal details comes the fact that there isn't as much gossip anymore either. Very rarely do I hear people (my friends at least) gossip about others. I mean, there still is talk about other people, but most of it is speculation, but there's no more meaningless rumors.

I don't know where this is going, I'm super tired. Also, I just realized I only blog about once a month. Not intentionally, but there's never a solid block of time for me to sit down and write something. Granted, it took me all of 10 minutes to write this, and I will most likely not read this ever again, but whenever I have deep thoughtful things that need to be put on paper, I usually don't realize it unless I'm walking or about to fall asleep.

Academia.

2009-03-23T01:13:00.002-04:00

The bane of my existence.

What really annoys me is the wide variety of grades that professors give. Remember those good old days of high school where the correlation of grades in a course load was generally 1? In college it's practically 0. Okay, realistically, it's more like 0.8, but whatever, the point is that it has dropped significantly. ALL college courses are harder than high school, so the courses that are hard to begin with are just magnified. Knowledge is good, obviously, but how is learning about the recently included mukims of Bandar Seri Begawan going to help me understand economics? The only reasoning I can come up with is that my international relations track includes Southeast Asia, and I suppose there's always the possibility of expansion in Brunei, but COME ON. These classes are interesting, but I don't want them to count against me if I don't understand religion among the Javanese, or the disappearance of Hinduism on the island everywhere except among the Tengger. Point is, I am hoping one day these classes will help in some way. So, for now, I'll believe that Strauss and Howe are right in the way history will one day repeat itself. One day.

Also, the requirements needed to graduate are annoying, especially now, when I am looking at the classes I need to take to fulfill my majors. Half of them aren't offered in the fall, and the other half all have the same time slots. Who's bright idea was it to offer half of the required classes at the same time?! And also, I believe that professors should have their syllibi made readily available, and not just to the students presently taking the courses. It would make our lives so much easier deciding which classes to take together in a semester. It is especially beneficial in the later half of college, when most people are done with the prerequisites and are beginning to take graduate level courses. SIGH. I guess for now, the most I can hope for is I won't die from the only course load for the fall that fits in some sort of schedule. GAH.

Unedited and a mess, sorry.

Delicious!

2009-02-21T03:05:00.002-05:00

- 70% cocoa hot chocolate topped with roasted hazelnut pieces
- lemon sherbet in crisp ginger baskets
- toasted coconut and apricot jam cookie bars

FEED ME.

stories in music.

2009-01-21T00:27:00.000-05:00

My roommate went to an audition for a musical today, and for some reason, I got really excited. Her auditioning piece was "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat: an overplayed, now mainstream song that is almost borderline bland in vocal inflections. But as we were listening to the song on YouTube, we were focusing on details - the small things that are constantly dismissed when the song comes on the radio or played for casual listening. After listening to the song a million times, the words were lost on me, it was the tune that got stuck in my head, every reverberation. After the song was smoothed out, I got into a music mode, and played Pandora for a few hours straight. Subconsciously, I was picking up on the words and the details, and not just listening because it sounded good (of course it sounded good, I would've pressed the thumbs down button if it didn't).

The thing about music is that it can be interpreted in many different ways. Not only that, but the lyrics of many songs are realistic - about love, loss, sadness, happiness. If you're nostalgic to begin with, listening to a song such as "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6 may bring you back to graduation night, or the one last hurrah before you and your best friends went your separate ways (college, for example). Or, maybe listening to "Better in Time" by Leona Lewis when you're upset over whatever heartbreak will remind you that you're not the only one that feels that way. Saving Jane's "Ordinary" tells the story of what a lot of people think of themselves, but can't put into words.

The magical thing about music is its ability to enchant. Regardless of whether you've experienced something as complex as love or not, there is a certain longing to understand and comprehend that emotion, even if it is foreign. Linkin Park's "Leave Out All the Rest" makes me think twice about what I want to be remembered for, and in those three minutes, I think about what I want to change in my life. Granted, those three minutes probably don't involve a deep thought process, but the idea that everyday, there is someone thinking about you (good or bad) jolts something deep within.

Of course, lyrics are only a small part of the music. Often overlooked and forgotten, the meaning behind the (sometimes) poetic words may change the song as a whole. A sad song with an upbeat tune makes you go, "WHAT!? Is this supposed to be happy or sad or...huh?!" Music is such a fun thing. Maybe its better not to over analyze it then, right?

how this started.

2008-12-06T20:27:00.000-05:00

It has been years since I blogged. So long, in fact, that I don't even know the password to my Xanga. Why so long? And why start blogging again? Not sure about either of those. I'm generally not a strong advocate for anything, so I suppose I never saw reason to voice something that means nothing (or makes sense) to anyone but me. That's not to say I have opinions on things, I do; however, I don't usually broadcast them unless prompted to.

Yet, here I am, Saturday night, starting a new blog. This is either because I'm procrastinating or because I've realized that there is a possibility that my crazy thought process will make sense to someone. the grey between black and white is life, nothing more and nothing less. It may be about my personal life, my current activities, or even my opinion about hypothetical situations. Most likely, it'll end up containing more posts about my opinions on hypothetical situations, since that is the grey area that I speak of. But don't get your hopes up, if you're lucky, you'll get to read one or two a month (unless something dramatic happens dundundundun).

Picking a username: I was in the middle of researching information about the Millennial Generation for a thesis, and thought about the book "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer ( I am so technologically challenged that I can't even figure out how to underline). Nine year old Oskar, who lost his father in 9/11, goes on a journey through New York City looking for a key that his father had in a vase. Foer also incorporates an alternating story about Oskar's grandparents and their life in America after the fire bombing in Dresden. Highly suggested read! Oh, the point of the username was that horrible (and amazing) things happen every day, but only certain events really matter to us. We're human, and none of us can save the world. Our own path is our only concern. I'll elaborate later, but the point is that we each care about things that others most likely don't even know about. This blog is going to become my outlet on controversial things I have an opinion on, hence the username the grey between black and white.

This actually turned out to be longer than I expected. I was looking to write a few simple words on the name, and what can be expected in later posts, but go a... little carried away? Okay, off we go! Welcome into Julie's head, the grey between black and white.