On Ambition

Everyday, we ask for too much, expect too much, set goals that are way out of reach. I have been fighting myself from day one, and it did, at one point make me miserable and pull me into an all time low. I am now making peace with myself; finally understanding that an average person simply can't do the extraordinary. I have always been ambitious, testing waters, following the path less traveled. But, who am I to break ground if I don't understand the fundamentals?

I had big plans, you know, the kind of plans that we make as children. Be an astronaut, walk on the ocean floor, become a leading genetic brain, wield the power of the press like Christiane Amanpour...the list goes on.

Now, I realize that I am the epitome of average in every possible way you can twist and turn its meaning. Average is settling, I don't need to be told that twice. But ambitious achievements for the average is simply unattainable. Let me clarify: I don't mean that average people will never do amazing things, but the chance of actually being amazing is significantly smaller.

I am not giving up on those ridiculous dreams, per se, but I am going to make them more realistic, thus more achievable. Average people can be good at something, they just need to find out what they are good at.

Ambition...is not for the faint-hearted.

corruption's destruction.

Haiti. Maybe it is too early to pass judgment, but where is the Haitian government? Why is the little to no mention of the government taking action? Countries all over the world are helping, namely through monetary contributions, but also by providing supplies, humanitarian aid and other valuable resources. The only mention of anything resembling the government in the news today was the Haitian Ambassador to the U.S.

No doubt, Haiti is corrupt, and unbelievably poor. But who would have thought that, amidst a national crisis, the government would continue to ignore the call for help from their people? Even Turkey, when devastated by a 7.6 magnitude earthquake, had some resemblance of government action. Or China, when the school building collapsed and killed children, the government attempted to fix things by enforcing building codes. And then, we have the United States' response to Hurricane Katrina. Incompetence of the administration aside, the U.S. had the right idea...or something like it, but the wrong execution. Point is, the difference between a highly corrupt country and a not-so corrupt country is vast.

Haiti is like a cotton ball that has been shredded and crumpled back together. Links that held institutions in place were taken apart, and bought and sold for power. Layer upon layer of corruption has led to a country that is having a very hard time sustaining itself. Now, after the country has been physically torn apart by a natural disaster, where is the government?

the way it works.

When you fall, you get back up. That's just the way it is. You never intentionally stay down. If you are hurt, there will be someone down the road to help you as long as you are willing to accept what's offered. If you are not ready to get up, someone will sit with you. If you are being kept down, then get mad and fight it. And when you are ready, you'll brush the dirt off your hands, take a deep breath, and stand. One step, two step, and in time you'll look back at where you fell. An impression of the past, but not a burden.

That's how it works.

one for the guys.

After careful consideration... I've decided that the male population may deserve more credit than we (the females) often give them. For starters, we call them obtuse, oblivious, inconsiderate, stupid, annoying, lazy, useless, and about half a million other things. I don't think that we are completely wrong in our judgment, but no doubt, we are too critical and harsh.

I suppose the only way to write this critically without speaking for all women would be to write from my perspective. I think the main difference between men and women is the attitude with which we judge things. From what I've observed, guys tend to take things in stride, while I know I really do not. I analyze things as they are individually, and not overall. For example, Kevin gave up a night of gaming in favor of cuddling and watching movies. As cheesy as I may sound, I was thrilled, internally going "awwww" at the fact that someone would give up their fun time to spend with me. And then on another day, he spends a measly 30 minutes chilling and playing some killing game, and I go bahhhh. <--- is very unreasonable. Granted, I wasn't too bothered by it, but there was a brief feeling of frustration. I think somewhere in that time, I rationalized that his games are like my books. I read, but that is a one person deal, and so he would be put on the back burner.

Later on, when I was on my way back to Boston, I sat on the bus thinking about the weekend. I realized how much he did for me - getting up early, planning dinner, taking me out, putting my interests first, etc. - and that overall, the whole weekend was for us, not him. In a whole weekend, he took 30 minutes and I had a twitchy eye moment. So yes, I think that I am unreasonable.

I am writing this to be fair to the guys. They deserve lots and lots of props for the things they do right. Yet, most of the time, girls only notice the bad because it intrudes on their fairytale ending (I am no longer writing from just my perspective seeing as how I don't believe in fairytales). Guys have to deal with moody women with perfectionist expectations of everything.

Reverting back to myself, I am quick and timely, while Kevin is very laid-back. I know this one applies to more than just me for a fact because my roommate and I talked about how her boyfriend responds with ,"I don't know," to everything. For the most part, they do get things done, but not in the timely fashion that we expect them to, since they often cut it too close for comfort.

Anyways, my point is that these men that we grow to love (sometimes), have redeeming qualities - caring, intuitive, smart, sneaky (the good way), cheesy (the good way), loving, considerate, proactive - and should be recognized for it once in a while. Of course both their good and bad qualities are present. And although I don't think I say it enough, I think they exemplify a significantly greater amount of those good qualities than the bad. But the bad are the only ones mentioned in our effort to make guys better. Besides, patting them on the back for what they do right everytime would be overkill. They're already cocky creatures as it is. :)

Sunggle bear. Cuddle bug.

Retrospectively.

Five years ago, or even two, I don't think I would've been able to hold a straight face and chat about our lives so casually. Granted, there are reservations on what we speak about, but its not longer, "ewww gross!!" as a response to when talk about boys (although I don't think that was ever the case), or "omgomgomg like omg omg!!" to some outrageous thing someone says (once again, this is an exaggeration). In our old age, it seems we just kind of have that "sigh...again?" kind of reaction to a lot of things.

That was really broad, but details would give too much about the people away. So I'll just go off on a tangent about sex. I never got the sex talk from my parents, thank god. But I was never not told about the birds and the bees. Point is, I was raised very much by my friends, it really is kind of funny now that I think about it. In this sense, six or seven years ago, it was a forbidden topic. Everything was kept hush hush, and when something slipped out, there were giggles and whispers even the most oblivous person would notice. Now, its just "sex talks" over coffee or lunch or dinner. Strangely though, I am still the observer, I don't talk much about myself unless necessary, but in this case, what happens in the bedroom stays there.

Tangent again. Along with this openness in discussing such personal details comes the fact that there isn't as much gossip anymore either. Very rarely do I hear people (my friends at least) gossip about others. I mean, there still is talk about other people, but most of it is speculation, but there's no more meaningless rumors.

I don't know where this is going, I'm super tired. Also, I just realized I only blog about once a month. Not intentionally, but there's never a solid block of time for me to sit down and write something. Granted, it took me all of 10 minutes to write this, and I will most likely not read this ever again, but whenever I have deep thoughtful things that need to be put on paper, I usually don't realize it unless I'm walking or about to fall asleep.

Academia.

The bane of my existence.

What really annoys me is the wide variety of grades that professors give. Remember those good old days of high school where the correlation of grades in a course load was generally 1? In college it's practically 0. Okay, realistically, it's more like 0.8, but whatever, the point is that it has dropped significantly. ALL college courses are harder than high school, so the courses that are hard to begin with are just magnified. Knowledge is good, obviously, but how is learning about the recently included mukims of Bandar Seri Begawan going to help me understand economics? The only reasoning I can come up with is that my international relations track includes Southeast Asia, and I suppose there's always the possibility of expansion in Brunei, but COME ON. These classes are interesting, but I don't want them to count against me if I don't understand religion among the Javanese, or the disappearance of Hinduism on the island everywhere except among the Tengger. Point is, I am hoping one day these classes will help in some way. So, for now, I'll believe that Strauss and Howe are right in the way history will one day repeat itself. One day.

Also, the requirements needed to graduate are annoying, especially now, when I am looking at the classes I need to take to fulfill my majors. Half of them aren't offered in the fall, and the other half all have the same time slots. Who's bright idea was it to offer half of the required classes at the same time?! And also, I believe that professors should have their syllibi made readily available, and not just to the students presently taking the courses. It would make our lives so much easier deciding which classes to take together in a semester. It is especially beneficial in the later half of college, when most people are done with the prerequisites and are beginning to take graduate level courses. SIGH. I guess for now, the most I can hope for is I won't die from the only course load for the fall that fits in some sort of schedule. GAH.

Unedited and a mess, sorry.

Delicious!

- 70% cocoa hot chocolate topped with roasted hazelnut pieces
- lemon sherbet in crisp ginger baskets
- toasted coconut and apricot jam cookie bars

FEED ME.